im sorry, im sorry...

                as someone at fault, how many times d'you have to say those immortal phrase just to know that its the "im sorry i mean it"? i mean, i think its never going to be enough...

                i sent a message over facebook to exbf (oh i know, how lame is that right? thanks.) saying that im sorry, for the nth time i guess as he sent back a reply saying "paulit ulit ka." haha i was shocked. i wont be exerting the effort to communicate if hindi totoong nagsosorry ako for any unreasonable situation i put him thru. alam ko meron kahet di nya aminin. (mahaba ang buhok ko? haha) basta i just feel it. malamang guilty ako so alam ko what i did hurt him. haha kaya nga nagsosorry db? ang lame netong entry ko feeling. i just wanted to release everything na gumugulo sakin. haha oh my! i dunno how to resolve the "situation" kasi i know he's kinda pissed at me. :( fine, i deserve it. blah blah. pero is it my fault if i wanted sometime for myself? na nagkataon lang na i was with him when this realization came to my head? well, if it is then so be it. ITS ALL MY FAULT. haha wew! sarap ng feeling. t-ice nga ples! yung madami ok! :)) toodles!

Polyvore

my first ever polyvore.. i wanna create a look that i would somehow wear it myself on a daily basis.. (and god how i wish.) im really grateful for the idea of the site, it gives people the freedom to imagine and make their dream come to life.. (erm, oa naman di naman come to life ano lang, ung mga ideas i guess. haha) i've encountered this months ago thru the blogs om following but i just ignored it. kala ko wala lang. pero now its all over fb. hmmm.. soo here it is. more to come.. :P

the hair theory.

ever had that problem with hair? oh geez! everyday!!! i hear yah! haha everyday its a struggle for everyone keeping their hair, you know looking all good. :) even the guys i might add. haha i'll kwento you my hair dilemma since since. :D as i remember, a younger version of me has shiny really black hair. it was straight (as per the pictures in the toddler years say.) as i grew up, i kept it long and it became thick and wavy. i hated it! in elementary, i used to gather it up on a pony. every time. i was sooo conscious then. then when i entered high school, i dunno how it happened but it was shorter. voila!!! hello high school, hello weird hairstyle! haha i couldn't remember how it became that short. i guess it was my mother. my new classmates and schoolmates make of it. they said after some years of being close, they confessed that i looked old with the hair. grrr. gladly i had surpassed that state and gone longer and straighter! :D it took at least 1 year for it to go back to having wavy parts again. i never colored my hair until i was in college though. over the years, i had a hair spa, dyed it 3 times, rebond for the third time and curled it, with bangs, btw i love my bangs! i couldn't go without it. haha after the last rebond which took a year before it came back to its wavy roots, this is my natural hair. hahaha im growing it a little longer because, somehow along the way of being bothered over a break up, i cut it shoulder length myself. haha poor thing!! from waist to shoulders! drastic drastic change is what im aiming for at that very moment. now im still thinking what i'll do with this crappy hair, either i'll medium curl it or i'll go for straight and sleek. been thinking. :)))

wishlist.. :))

everyone, i guess has things they "wish" to have.. :DD and these are some of mine. :)

every girl wants to have atleast the most versatile louboutins to date.. and in its leopard print too.. :)

a mulberry alexa bag in brown for that safari-esque style..

a burberry double-breasted coat

alice + olivia boyfriend blazer

 a dianne von frustenberg dress

7 for all mankind distressed denim

a vintage sunglasses (i got one for a very cheap price.. super cheap im so shy to say the exact price!!! 

a tiffany & co. key collection necklaces.. its so dainty and lady like.. haha

a classic chanel quilt bag.

a juicy couture track suit, although i dont go to the gym. haha

a vintage tee.

drinking is not good for your health. really!

i was with this drunken guy and he was saying the weirdest things. haha i just hope he still remembers all the things he said to me. he was sooo drunk he's able to make a public scene, which untruly in his nature. oh what alcohol could do to human beings.. :)) hmm or i wish he wouldn't remember all of it. i'll be waiting for the "big gesture." i saw this movie about a it eh. haha and when he finally figured the "big gesture" im dying for him to do, then we'll talk. it will take all the strength out of a person to do it but if someone really loves me, its nothing. :))

what do i really want?

i personally think that every person has the right to make decisions. decisions that can either break them, and learn from it, eventually.

so far, ive made decisions i regret and if given the chance to go back, i'd change them in a snap. but there's no such thing as going back, so i have to suck it up. ive been writing about heart matters for the past few weeks and still the matter is unresolved. i couldnt figure out what i want. i mean, i think maybe we dont suppose to figure it all out? i think we should just let everything take its own course and just go with it. its been a hell of a week for me, i think im hurting someone and it kills me. i dont want anyone being hurt 'coz i know for a fact how it feels. but, i wanna be fair to him and to myself. i want to be honest about my feelings towards the situation. the truth is, i want to be alone. i dont know until when, all i know is that i wanted to be alone for the mean time. i want to have time for myself, and not think of anybody's need other than my own. im on the verge of growing up and stretching my horizon where i want to experience everything on my own. i dont want to answer or to explain to anyone my whereabouts, it bugs me. or so it seems. after i ended everything between us, i still miss him. i messaged him on facebook, saying i miss him and im just fighting the urge to reconcile. that message led to him coming over and misunderstood thinking i want to totally reconcile. i dont want to be with anybody and yet i miss him. ang gulo. i mean, i wanna be with him and yet i dont. grr. everyday i wake up and get on with my day and i feel like im carrying this huge guilt. and if i exhale, tears will emerge. i dont wanna cry. ive done that a lot for my 21 years, and im sick of crying all the time. i want to be brave. im just worried he'll hate me for what ive done and never forgive me, he was first, a good friend. im gonna loose a good friend if that'll happen.

An inspiration.

honestly speaking, there's this one subject (phil lit.) i could not attend to every week. i mean, its a 2 times-a-week class from 7.30 to 9am.. i cant seem to drag my ass off my bed early in the morning to get to school sometimes. haha anyway, my professor is a witty, a little bit of an old lady. (peace mam!) she shares her struggles on life as she was growing up. (we have phil lit wherein we reminisce the jap occupation and when the americans came to "visit.") well, she was a great story teller i should say because she was somehow born already when some of the events were taken. :)) she told us how her parents weren't able to send her anymore to college so she decided to send herself to school by working. she works in the mornings and go to school at night. she finished a secretarial course and stopped for awhile to work and support her other siblings.. (wow!!) after they had finished, she continued her studies and finished education. during college, 4th yr if im not mistaken, her then boyfriend asked her to marry him but she refused, she said she still has sibling responsibilities to perform. (wew!!) after years of striving, finally all her siblings have graduated with her help and decided to get married.. by the age of 34.. ;)
     I was so moved by her story. really i am. i felt somehow ashamed of how i am acting towards school and all. all her struggle just to finish school, not even a help from her parents. she is an inspiration for me as soon as i heard her moving story. i begin to realize that i should really study hard while my parents can still send me to school. im just thankful i don't have any siblings to support. (less pressure, i guess.) i became aware of choosing which path to take, and how some other things can be set aside to make way for more important opportunities.. :D thank you mam gay, for the wonderful story and for being an inspiration.. :)

then it was over. i guess.

haha didnt i tell you we got back together? and.. well, its was over.. again!!! grr. things went a little crazy. i got worried. about myself, loosing all of me in him. I'm scared of giving all my self to him until none is left of me. i can be like that sometimes. i was once like that, and i now as i look back, i hated being that way. i build around my world to only one person. its not healthy. at all. now i knew. and now, i broke up with this great guy just to shield my heart to immense pain. wew. I'm worried i'll end up just like the other relationships that went sour. i cant live with that, again. i have friends who were going out for like 6 years and then suddenly. they decided that its not working, they they'll just quit. how can you even quit to a relationship having almost quarter of your life? oh my god. i cant even imagine myself being with a guy for over 6 or 7 years and break up. (f.y.i. longest commitment= 3 yrs. it. broke. me. to. pieces.) i couldn't bare the thought of having my heart broken again. i said to myself that next time,  i would really take things into my hands, and wont let a guy hurt me again. I'm just wondering if i did the right thing with him. i know he loved me. he really did love me. I just chickened out i guess.. hahaha everyday i fight back the urge to reconcile with him.. i want to stand up for my decision. :D backbone please? :)