i lost the guy. sorta.

         after a few weeks of seeing each other, over the holidays the spark vanished. suddenly he doesn't text, and suddenly he doesn't wanna see me. argh. paulit ulit. nakakairita na. anong mali ko? ako na naman ba? haha i was compromising. bullshit. i ate my pride. dammit. alam mo yon? tapos? after everything, he'll suddenly disappear?? i was kind of liking him. nakakaines. as ive found my match, ngayon naman palpak lang. we havent really decided to be together pero i knew he liked me. he made the first move eh. so db? my goodness. he has this certain way with me, the way he lecture me about how he doesn't approve of my bitchiness.. i was afraid with this one incident were he was pissed coz i was being childish. haha alam mo yong takot na, omg galit talaga sya? ganun. gah! i dunno what to do. ayoko na syang itext. ubos na yung natitira kong pride. jusko naman. sana he was mature enough to say it to my face na ok, ayawan na. omg. kamusta naman? kaya ko naman yun e. sos ako pa. kaso i was left here figuring things out for myself kung anong nangyari sa kanya? and sabi nya yung facebook nya blocked? omg. i was checking his page kasi di naka private, aun nag update last dec 24th. nagtimeline. damn. turning tables yung nagpplay. :/

i met a guy...

           haha the title. hilarious. wala ko maisip eh. i met him sa party ng  friend ko. he was the first guy who caught my eye. siguro kase he never left my eyesight the entire time na kumakain ako? andun lang sya sa table kahit tapos na sya mag dinner? anyways, nagkatext kami. and as they say.... the rest is history. haha we've been seeing each other for 2 weeks. and its been great. aha. great. he's my age but mature in a way. he likes to lecture me of being immature daw. haha sya na. the bitch living inside me for years had vanished kase ayaw nya ng annoying tsaka mataray. omg. how will i survive? its the first time that a guy held me this way and im liking it. im learning in a way. na i have to compromise. na di lahat ng gusto ko masusunod. na i should think about how he feels. naks. humanitarian na agad ako. haha tapos sya yung VICTIM? :DDDD

ang matinde nyan...

     12:39.. oh my. my eyes hurt soo bad! yung feeling na matagal kang tumutok sa fan? that's how i feel knowing i was up the entire day from going to school early up until now, finishing my requirements. i cannot wait for the xmas break. looking forward to having more zzzsss in the process. anyhow. haha its been a looonnng time since the last entry. but i still have little more to say. haha echos lang! im almost done so i still had the time to do extra curricular activities. haha i met a guy............................................ :DDDDD

stagnation..

        i hate that word. i feel like ive been in that state for too long. i mean, many of my friends leaped! to higher level towards life, pero ako. tss. still here, in school, and got a few problems na di ko alam pano isosolve.. minsan i would just cry. my friends graduated, working paying their own bills, went abroad, others had their babies and others had been married to a church. wow! nakakainis. naiinis nako sa buhay ko. i dont know where to start. shit.

moving on.

                you know that feeling you get na you just wanna look up there facebook page to know what's going on with them? haha apparently i did with Team A. and napaka public ng facebook nya so kahit di kami friends i could see his wall. eh may constant facebook commenting friend sya at kavideo chat. the girl is someone im going to be insecure with. oh crap! FML. all over again. she has these photos na pang lookbook and shit. hahaha anyways, this is my fault. i should've seen this coming na di naman yun mag wewait for me to clear up my head and go back to him. he has too big of an ego to do that eh. ahahaha and i think kaya ganun dahil nakarating sa kanya na nakikipag balikan si team B. WELL FOR THEIR INFORMATION, WALA NA SILA PAREHO. IM IN PEACE. AMEN. hahaha

:/

                   a friend offered to be "matchmaker".. iintroduce nya daw ako. (yet again. i hate knowing new people.) sa friend nya. mabait daw. haha i have yet to meet him. nakita ko na sa facebook. i have to say, he looks decent. im not going for the looks. as long mabait. and not a cheater ok na. haha is it too soon? well, friends first tapos we'll start from there. kung anung verdict? nakkkoooo.

snaps!

well my webcam got jammed. i "accidentally" deleted the driver. ahah dumbass. anyways, i got little helps from my IT friends and now its working! haha hanep! i found these amazing webcam apps from google store. they have these great effects. love. here are some shots i made. hihi 

                    

           

           

               

                                                                          

....

                i cant help it. :'( sabi ko i would never cry over that guy ulit. ayan tigil na. i should've seen this coming. nako naman talaga. kung may babae mang pinanganak ata kasunod ni tandang sora, ako na yon. sa sobrang martyr. nakakaloka na. i wont write everything on detail. oh f*ck! im crying again. boset!

                there is nothing that i would write na di ko pa nasabi before. sabi nga nila, paulit ulit lang ako. for four years ganito kami. parang aso't pusa na naghahabulan. i knew he was looking for something else, i wasnt good enough. although i think i had offered him enough pero di pa din pala yun sapat. akala ko lang. ang tanong ko, hanggang san ba masasabi na sapat na? na "the best ko na yan ha." wala na kong maibibigay sayo. kasi feeling ko, im owning to something na di ko naman talaga na achieve? na nagffeeling lang ako na martyr? pero hindi naman pala. kulang pala. and how do we really let go? i wanna know. yung tipong di ka matitinag kahit sabihing papakasalan ka pa. gusto ko yung ganung tipo ng moved on attitude.

                 i was the girl who always had faith on him. (iyak.) kahit nung mga times na akala nya galit sa kanya yung buong mundo, na wala syang kakampi, i was there. i was always there para sabihin na "magkakampi tayo." kahit mali sya, kakampi nya ko. he knew my darkest secrets. nakakainis. (iyak madami) the fact that we shared the longest of times together breaks me. (ngawa na.) alam mo yung nagiisang taong pinaglaanan mo ng ganung klaseng pagmamahal. sobra. nakakapanghina. i've tried to leave. before. but i end up leaving the other guy for him ulit. it was like that, paulit ulit. sabi nga nila. but i didnt mind. kahit nakakahiya na lagi kong kinakain lahat ng sinasabi ko na i would never accept him again. go pride! gone. sometimes yung reason kung bakit kami nagbbreak, malalaman ko na lang nauna pa lang malaman ng buong barkada nya, na nakakasama ko naman pero kaya pa din akong tingnan sa mata. minsan naiisip ko, ano kayang tingin nila sakin? "antanga lang ha." pero i dont mind. i just want to be with him. yun lang. masaya nako. simple lang naman yung happiness ko, louboutin shoes saka chanel dress plus, sya na din. (natawa na naiiyak) siguro nga wag ipilit. we were broken a long time ago, kahit anung hirap na ayusin, kahit magkabalikan pa, may lamat na. i was just hoping na..... (iyak madami.) sya na kasi yung gusto ko.. (ngawa) ayoko na ng iba. that part of me wanted to stay, pero may part na enough na. nakakahiya na sa mga kaibigan kong paulit ulit na nagsasabi ng tigilan na eh ang pilit ko pa din. (kalma na.)

             nanghihinayang ako sa relationship ko sa family nya. they were soooo nice to me. wala kong masasabi pang iba. minsan lang yun, na kasundo mo lahat pati si momy nya. (nakatabi ko na sya matulog, ang hirap. haha) yung feeling na, gustong gusto ka. :D na pag may ibang dinadala na girl, tatadtarin ng lait? :D kunswelo na lang yun sakin siguro. pinaglaanan ko ng panahon yung anak nila eh. haha anyway, wala ko masasabi sa family nya kundi thank you for accepting me as a part of them. the best. wala na yata kong mamimeet na makaka top sa kanila.

             kung lalawakan natin ang pag iisip natin, wala ng sakitan. ganun talaga eh. wag ng isipin na mahalaga ka sa isang tao hanggat wala pang napapatunayan. the mere fact na paulit ulit ang mga pangyayari, it only shows one thing, tumigil na. minsan naka receive ako ng text sa kanya, ans sabi "mahal kita sa paraang alam ko." well, hindi ko alam kung anung klase yung paraan nya, pero kumagat ako. sugal kung sugal. kahit di ko alam na ang paraan nya eh yung paraan na bago sakin. seriously, di ko magets.

                 ----- that one time na dinaanan kita sa school mo, nagantay ako. di ka nagrereply. after 30mins nagtext ka, tulog ka pala. epic fail.
                 ----- nung niyaya kita manuod ng movie, sabi mo lalabas ka lang saglit. may bibilin ata? bumalik ka gabi na. nganga.
                 ----- iiwan mo ko ng mga 2 hours sa bahay nyo para maglaro ng basketball. o.O
                 ----- papabayaan mo kong umupo katabi yung mga friends mo at hindi ikaw, pag kasama natin sila.
                 ----- for a month di mo ko itetext, pag nagtext ka lalabas ako kahit anung oras para lang makapg load dahil minsan lang ung text.
                 ----- magkaiba yung kasama natin nung manood ng twilight ba o new moon?
                 ----- videoke session kasama sila momy mo.
                 ----- kainan session kasama sila momy mo.
                 ----- inuman session kasama buong angkan nyo. pati yung lola mong umiinom ng lights at RH. hanep ka nanay ayong.
                ------ si kitsch from 2005.
                ------ yung mug from 2005.
                ------ mami at piatos.
                ------ iyakan session
                ------ maduduming paa (laugh trip)
                ------ basketball games (cheerleader ang lagay)
                ------ nakahiga ka sa sahig, ako sa sofa. walang magawa. nagtatawanan habang pinakinggan yung mga kanta ko na nirecord. (pyramid- tinde.)
                ------ mga pasko at new year na di tayo magkasama kasi mas gusto mo kasama mga friends.
                ------ yung silent hill movie na nakatulugan natin kahit nakakatakot.
                ------ pinainom ka ni papa ng isang shot ng rum at nalasing. :D
                ------ kahhiyang dinulot sakin everytime sasabihin ng tatay mong magpakasal na tayo at mag anak. :|
                ------ the fact that i've known you since 1st year high school. rejected you nung 4th year, then fell for you nung 2nd year college. i never recovered.
                ------ the dancing. :D
                ------ the letters.
                ------ pictures na muka pa kong lalaki. thanks to you dahil you took it nung nagsasayaw kami. ty.
                ------ we had a fight. break up na. but di ako pumayag, we ended up crying. tas bati na. then dancing to the tune of you singing "ill never go." eeewww.
                ------ chatted with me while we are in the same computer shop dahil nahihiya ka kausapin ako.
                ------ the full blown smile. labas buong frontal teeth pati bagang?
                ------ rare pictures of me and you
                ------ that particular photo of me and you. :D
                ------
      in 2 hours, natapos ko 'tong post ko. may intermission number eh. ill cut all ties. im planning on changing numbers. (i cannot let go of my 0921 addict mobile from 2004 pa)  delete all his family member's numbers. and ill delete him. STARTING OVER SUCKS!

we are THE HOPEFULS.. :D

                         these some of my lovely friends. mackoi and i coined the term "the hopings" sana. kasi nga may mga kanya kanya kaming situations na kung saan ay mga hoping pa din kami. ill introduce them one by one.. :DD

josh, mack

this is mack and josh.. josh is hundred miles away from us. broken up with his girl and still hoping that maybe someday..... :) mack is hoping that as he give his heart to someone, they would also, in return. :)

                                                 

and now, this is me and bryl.. bryl is pining for a kababata who happens to be in the states. they've tried the long distance thing many times but it didnt work. he hopes for the best. :) and that is me. haha well alam naman na yung kwento ko. pero ill make it short. im still hoping things would go back the way it should. :)

and that is us, "THE HOPEFULS"

Mga kaugalian ng mga babae

1.) AYAW ng binababaan ng phone bigla. Mabilis silang mainis sa ganun.
2.) AYAW ng nire-replyan ng "?"....
3.) Minsan, kapag sinabi niya na gawin mo na lang ginagawa mo, meaning nun ihinto mo ginagawa mo at kausapin mo siya.
4.) AYAW ng inaasar siya kasi pikon siya.
5.) Kapag galit ka, 'wag mo i-ooff ang phone mo dahil automatic 'yan, tatawag siya dahil nag-aalala siya.
6.) Kapag galit siya, suyuin mo siya. Babaan mo ang pride mo dahil malamang, World War III 'yan kapag hinayaan mo na ganun lang       mangyayari sa inyo.
7.) Kapag binabaan ka niya ng fone, gumawa ka ng paraan para makausap mo siya. 'wag mo na paabutin ng umaga na walang ginagawa. Dahil iisipin nun na she's not worth your time.
8.) Kapag nagtanong ka kung anong problema niya at sinabi niyang "wala", 'wag kang magsabi ng "okay". Tanungin mo siya ulit. Ayaw nila ng madaling kausap. Gusto nila ng kinukulit sila.
9.) Kapag inaasar ka niya, meaning nun nagla-lambing siya. 'wag kang mapipikon dahil mabilis silang magtampo.
10.) Kapag binigyan ka niya ng oras, 'wag mo sayangin. Ang babae, pakipot 'yan. Gusto sinusuyo lagi. Gusto lang naman ng lambing niyan kaya nang-aaway o nagpapansin eh. Minsan talaga, ang babae, mahirap i-pinta. Para silang abstract, magulo pero maganda pa rin. Kung lalake ka at hindi mo alam 'yan, pasensyahan. Nature na 'yan ng babae.




thank you Mr. Josh Resurreccion

PARAMORE.

     jerem, josh, hayley and zac            

    i soooo love them. before i went online, i watched muna their concert on dvd for the nth time. hihi
i adore hayley. she is so awesome. i am not rocker chick or whatever, honestly i only knew about her thru my
ex- boyfriend. hearing their songs always makes me remember him. (oops! he is married already.) anyhow, the band is from nashville i think. originally they were 4 in the group but recently the Farro brothers left and hayley, jerem and taylor, their guest rhythm guitarist continued the group. their songs were             not heavy on the ears that's why i love to listen to them. although they are a rock group, their music and lyrics were cool. haha i dunno how to describe their sound. i just wanna listen to them over and over. their lead vocals, hayley is just lovely with friggin' awesome voice to match. :D

                                                                jerem, hayley and taylor

new. :P

                              first outfit post. nakaktamad kasi to edit and take photos sa labas. what i really wanted was a blog post of fashionistas around the metro. alam mo yung mga kasabay mo sa sakayan, or sa bus or sa jeep. sometimes their outfits are remarkable eh. my only problem was how to approach them and say that i want them to be featured on my blog. tss. ive yet to try that. but for now, here is my recent post. im a bit curvy. sorry. haha pasensya. :D

whuttt???

                         following the last blog i posted..

                         its been like, a week? with no messages or text from him. and somehow he had the nerve to call me kanina. around 3am. alam mo ung out of nowhere? ewan ko. naasar ako. sabi nya, the family is asking for me daw. bakit di nako bumibisita. bullfrog! tss. i dunno what he wants from me? as i plan onwalking away from team B, he'll come after me and say lame things like he loves me. wtf. i dont know what to do. obviously, im kinda mejo somewhat into him. again. hindi ba nawala? whatever. hindi ko alam. the fact that december is just around the corner. i hate christmas. wew. seriously. i never did. it seems like a normal day for me. colder and lonelier i guess.

hopes up.

                 certainly, what has been happening with me and TEAM B had my mother suddenly giving me her advice. she said after TEAM B went home na she is really happy that i have the freedom to choose and being 21, im still single and have no plans in the nearest future to settle. hahaha
                  anyways, for the past week after sembreak begun, (parrttyy!) we had been spending time together. TEAM B and i. he was back in his old old ways, being sweet and appreciative and all things mushy. (eeewww.) apparently, we decided to see each other later today. although im preventing myself to not totally lose it to him. ( my inner bitchiness is fading as days went by.) i was really looking forward for the rendezvous earlier, we would watch korean movies although i totally hate watching movies with subtitles but for him i would try. ( oooppsss. ayan na. si mabait anjan na.) well, to make things easier, he did cancel. nakita daw sya ng friend nya and asked him to go out. obviously, i was etchapwera ng bongga. :) he was always like that, even he admitted that to me na i was second priority from his friends.
                  the thing is, i was aware of our relationship status, which is "nothing more than spending time together and having fun". other than that, i guess there's love. haha pero i was hurt. because as much as i dont wanna get too involved, again. he was doing the same things and it still hurts. baliw lang? i really should get my act together, reminding myself how i moved on from being a martyr nyebera to a sneaky bitch i am now. ( wehhhh!) and not forgetting kung hanggang saan lang kami, at kung hanggang saan lang ako sa kanya.

MY MOM'S DAY

        its her birthday today. she just turned 41!!! happy birthday to my one and only loving and understanding mother! she is quite opposite as to other mothers i suppose. maybe 'coz she had us while she was still in her 20's. i never did hear her say "i dont want you to have a boyfriend yet" or "be home by this time" so and so.. i asked her why she was so understanding? :) she answered that she was once a young girl who like to be out and about. but her mother didnt understood that, thus she married early. :) and got us instead. she said she doesn't was us to experience what she had gone through to her mother. the sneaking and lying part.
        i even asked her once to give us curfews, she just answered me with "you know your limits, you are all grown up na." haha asar. but anyways, i guess it worked. many of our friends got married, or even only got pregnant and never married early. as early as 15 i guess. but the proof that my mother's skills at making us free but knows our limits gave her us. my brother is turning 25 and is single. im 21 and very very much available and also my younger brother who is 20. i mean, in other situations youngsters our age had multiple babies and married. hihi
        this is her. my fabulous mother. :D

                                                                   

45 THINGS A GIRL WANT, BUT WON'T ASK FOR.

1. Touch her waist.
2. Actually talk to her.
3. Share secrets with her.
4. Give her your jacket.
5. Kiss her slowly.

Are you remembering this?
6. Hug her.
7. Hold her.
8. Laugh with her.
9. Invite her somewhere.
10. Hangout with her and your friends together.

KEEP READING ..
11. Smile with her.
12. Take pictures with her.
13. Pull her onto your lap.
14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.
15. When her friends say “I love her more than you”, deny it. Fight back and hug her tight so she can’t get to her friends. It makes her feel loved.

Are you thinking of someone?
16. Always hug her and say I love you whenever you see her.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.
18. Hug her from behind around the waist.
19. Tell her she’s beautiful.
20. Tell her the way you feel about her.

One last thing you need to do to show her you actually do mean it.
21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car - it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.
22. Tell her she’s your everything - only if you mean it.
23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her - if she denies something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT - so just hug her.
24. Make her feel loved.
25. Kiss her in front of OTHER girls you know!

WE MIGHT DENY IT BUT WE ACTUALLY LIKE AND KINDA WANT YOU TO TICKLE US

26. Don’t lie to her.
27. DON’T cheat on her.
28. Take her ANYWHERE she wants.
29. Text message or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at school, and how much you miss her.
30. Be there for her whenever she needs you, and even when she doesn’t need you, just be there so she’ll know that she can always count on you.

ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? YOU BETTER, BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT.
31. Hold her close when she’s cold so she can hold you too.
32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her.
33. Kiss her on the cheek; (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her).
34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly.
35. Don’t ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you’re mad. If she’s upset, comfort her.

REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS WHEN YOU ARE WITH HER NEXT ..
36. When people diss her, stand up for her.
37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her.
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand.
40. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.

MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED.
41. Call or text her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears.
43. Take her for long walks at night.
44. Always remind her how much you love her.
45. Sit on top of her and tell her how much you love her and then bend down to
her face and kiss her while you’re sitting on her.

fail.

           last night's rain was hard. i went home wet thru my feet. my shoes soaking wet literally. i went on line for like 5 minutes, cannot text, my phone was totally dead. after 15 minutes, i opened my phone and texts were all over. but there is this particular one that got me thru my tsinelas and went running outside, in the pouring rain! with no umbrella! omg. the text said, "andito ko sa labas nyo. naiwan mo pang bukas ung gate nyo."
            i thought i could get to him, it was like 20 minutes ago na. i called him and asking asan na sya. he picked up and said he was already home. i cried. i dunno why but i did. it was all i ever wanted. the gesture. he came after me as i left. but epic fail, di ko sya naabutan because of my friggin' phone! haha and the argument before the epic fail was crazy. pero it was a different story to tell. :)

            we agreed that the timing wasn't right. everything wasn't right. parang faith? i realized that the time is really wasn't for us at this moment. maybe time will come where we are perfectly made for each other. yung tipong, ito na. ito na talaga. there's no turning back. yung ganon?

im sorry, im sorry...

                as someone at fault, how many times d'you have to say those immortal phrase just to know that its the "im sorry i mean it"? i mean, i think its never going to be enough...

                i sent a message over facebook to exbf (oh i know, how lame is that right? thanks.) saying that im sorry, for the nth time i guess as he sent back a reply saying "paulit ulit ka." haha i was shocked. i wont be exerting the effort to communicate if hindi totoong nagsosorry ako for any unreasonable situation i put him thru. alam ko meron kahet di nya aminin. (mahaba ang buhok ko? haha) basta i just feel it. malamang guilty ako so alam ko what i did hurt him. haha kaya nga nagsosorry db? ang lame netong entry ko feeling. i just wanted to release everything na gumugulo sakin. haha oh my! i dunno how to resolve the "situation" kasi i know he's kinda pissed at me. :( fine, i deserve it. blah blah. pero is it my fault if i wanted sometime for myself? na nagkataon lang na i was with him when this realization came to my head? well, if it is then so be it. ITS ALL MY FAULT. haha wew! sarap ng feeling. t-ice nga ples! yung madami ok! :)) toodles!

Polyvore

my first ever polyvore.. i wanna create a look that i would somehow wear it myself on a daily basis.. (and god how i wish.) im really grateful for the idea of the site, it gives people the freedom to imagine and make their dream come to life.. (erm, oa naman di naman come to life ano lang, ung mga ideas i guess. haha) i've encountered this months ago thru the blogs om following but i just ignored it. kala ko wala lang. pero now its all over fb. hmmm.. soo here it is. more to come.. :P

the hair theory.

ever had that problem with hair? oh geez! everyday!!! i hear yah! haha everyday its a struggle for everyone keeping their hair, you know looking all good. :) even the guys i might add. haha i'll kwento you my hair dilemma since since. :D as i remember, a younger version of me has shiny really black hair. it was straight (as per the pictures in the toddler years say.) as i grew up, i kept it long and it became thick and wavy. i hated it! in elementary, i used to gather it up on a pony. every time. i was sooo conscious then. then when i entered high school, i dunno how it happened but it was shorter. voila!!! hello high school, hello weird hairstyle! haha i couldn't remember how it became that short. i guess it was my mother. my new classmates and schoolmates make of it. they said after some years of being close, they confessed that i looked old with the hair. grrr. gladly i had surpassed that state and gone longer and straighter! :D it took at least 1 year for it to go back to having wavy parts again. i never colored my hair until i was in college though. over the years, i had a hair spa, dyed it 3 times, rebond for the third time and curled it, with bangs, btw i love my bangs! i couldn't go without it. haha after the last rebond which took a year before it came back to its wavy roots, this is my natural hair. hahaha im growing it a little longer because, somehow along the way of being bothered over a break up, i cut it shoulder length myself. haha poor thing!! from waist to shoulders! drastic drastic change is what im aiming for at that very moment. now im still thinking what i'll do with this crappy hair, either i'll medium curl it or i'll go for straight and sleek. been thinking. :)))

wishlist.. :))

everyone, i guess has things they "wish" to have.. :DD and these are some of mine. :)

every girl wants to have atleast the most versatile louboutins to date.. and in its leopard print too.. :)

a mulberry alexa bag in brown for that safari-esque style..

a burberry double-breasted coat

alice + olivia boyfriend blazer

 a dianne von frustenberg dress

7 for all mankind distressed denim

a vintage sunglasses (i got one for a very cheap price.. super cheap im so shy to say the exact price!!! 

a tiffany & co. key collection necklaces.. its so dainty and lady like.. haha

a classic chanel quilt bag.

a juicy couture track suit, although i dont go to the gym. haha

a vintage tee.

drinking is not good for your health. really!

i was with this drunken guy and he was saying the weirdest things. haha i just hope he still remembers all the things he said to me. he was sooo drunk he's able to make a public scene, which untruly in his nature. oh what alcohol could do to human beings.. :)) hmm or i wish he wouldn't remember all of it. i'll be waiting for the "big gesture." i saw this movie about a it eh. haha and when he finally figured the "big gesture" im dying for him to do, then we'll talk. it will take all the strength out of a person to do it but if someone really loves me, its nothing. :))

what do i really want?

i personally think that every person has the right to make decisions. decisions that can either break them, and learn from it, eventually.

so far, ive made decisions i regret and if given the chance to go back, i'd change them in a snap. but there's no such thing as going back, so i have to suck it up. ive been writing about heart matters for the past few weeks and still the matter is unresolved. i couldnt figure out what i want. i mean, i think maybe we dont suppose to figure it all out? i think we should just let everything take its own course and just go with it. its been a hell of a week for me, i think im hurting someone and it kills me. i dont want anyone being hurt 'coz i know for a fact how it feels. but, i wanna be fair to him and to myself. i want to be honest about my feelings towards the situation. the truth is, i want to be alone. i dont know until when, all i know is that i wanted to be alone for the mean time. i want to have time for myself, and not think of anybody's need other than my own. im on the verge of growing up and stretching my horizon where i want to experience everything on my own. i dont want to answer or to explain to anyone my whereabouts, it bugs me. or so it seems. after i ended everything between us, i still miss him. i messaged him on facebook, saying i miss him and im just fighting the urge to reconcile. that message led to him coming over and misunderstood thinking i want to totally reconcile. i dont want to be with anybody and yet i miss him. ang gulo. i mean, i wanna be with him and yet i dont. grr. everyday i wake up and get on with my day and i feel like im carrying this huge guilt. and if i exhale, tears will emerge. i dont wanna cry. ive done that a lot for my 21 years, and im sick of crying all the time. i want to be brave. im just worried he'll hate me for what ive done and never forgive me, he was first, a good friend. im gonna loose a good friend if that'll happen.

An inspiration.

honestly speaking, there's this one subject (phil lit.) i could not attend to every week. i mean, its a 2 times-a-week class from 7.30 to 9am.. i cant seem to drag my ass off my bed early in the morning to get to school sometimes. haha anyway, my professor is a witty, a little bit of an old lady. (peace mam!) she shares her struggles on life as she was growing up. (we have phil lit wherein we reminisce the jap occupation and when the americans came to "visit.") well, she was a great story teller i should say because she was somehow born already when some of the events were taken. :)) she told us how her parents weren't able to send her anymore to college so she decided to send herself to school by working. she works in the mornings and go to school at night. she finished a secretarial course and stopped for awhile to work and support her other siblings.. (wow!!) after they had finished, she continued her studies and finished education. during college, 4th yr if im not mistaken, her then boyfriend asked her to marry him but she refused, she said she still has sibling responsibilities to perform. (wew!!) after years of striving, finally all her siblings have graduated with her help and decided to get married.. by the age of 34.. ;)
     I was so moved by her story. really i am. i felt somehow ashamed of how i am acting towards school and all. all her struggle just to finish school, not even a help from her parents. she is an inspiration for me as soon as i heard her moving story. i begin to realize that i should really study hard while my parents can still send me to school. im just thankful i don't have any siblings to support. (less pressure, i guess.) i became aware of choosing which path to take, and how some other things can be set aside to make way for more important opportunities.. :D thank you mam gay, for the wonderful story and for being an inspiration.. :)

then it was over. i guess.

haha didnt i tell you we got back together? and.. well, its was over.. again!!! grr. things went a little crazy. i got worried. about myself, loosing all of me in him. I'm scared of giving all my self to him until none is left of me. i can be like that sometimes. i was once like that, and i now as i look back, i hated being that way. i build around my world to only one person. its not healthy. at all. now i knew. and now, i broke up with this great guy just to shield my heart to immense pain. wew. I'm worried i'll end up just like the other relationships that went sour. i cant live with that, again. i have friends who were going out for like 6 years and then suddenly. they decided that its not working, they they'll just quit. how can you even quit to a relationship having almost quarter of your life? oh my god. i cant even imagine myself being with a guy for over 6 or 7 years and break up. (f.y.i. longest commitment= 3 yrs. it. broke. me. to. pieces.) i couldn't bare the thought of having my heart broken again. i said to myself that next time,  i would really take things into my hands, and wont let a guy hurt me again. I'm just wondering if i did the right thing with him. i know he loved me. he really did love me. I just chickened out i guess.. hahaha everyday i fight back the urge to reconcile with him.. i want to stand up for my decision. :D backbone please? :)

laugh trip.

remember all those times you wasted in high school writing about love, crush, motto and your favorite color? haha well my friends and certainly did. earlier my firends and i were hanging out at my bff's. we had nothing else to do so i decided to come up with a great idea! how about going through all those slum notes we had written in high school. (around 7 years ago? haha) my bff was the very patient one who keeps on making a slum note like, every month ata. :)

we were laughing hysterically on how we answer questions back then. napaka walang sense. haha omg! and the crushes, punong puno ng "i never believed i had a crush on that guy!" expressions!! and also our aspirations and careers, it was all very different than today. haha i wanted to take up inter-disciplinary studies as i had written on it. (that was only offered at la salle you dummy!) tapos may mga jejemon na dun! hihihi we just had a good laugh. it was fun! :))

every now and then.

i was in the mood of getting emotional and listened to songs. old songs i should say. :)

"every now and then, i find myself wondering about you.
seems now and again i cant escape the thought of all that might have been."

so okay, still sleep is not getting into me yet. wew!

happiness.

tik tik tik... its our clock, sheesh 1am and im still awake. all i did was toss and turn on my bed. thoughts were runnin' through my head. thoughts that were set aside a few hours ago. and a few hours ago after that.

"di na ko masaya..."

hihi bf broke up with me with those immortal words. all i did was ask him "seryoso?" and "talaga?" because really, we were happy last week and the week after that. no speed bumps. just pure simple happy.  he answered that he was feeling it for quite a while now. wew! never saw that coming. earlier, he came by the house to have "quality time" coz it was his off from work and i had no classes. as it turned out, my very best friend (the pregnant one, remember?) asked me to come with her to libis for her clearance. i couldn't say no to her. she needs me. her pregnancy is somewhat risky so someone had to be with her and i was the only one available. bf suddenly changes mood. i sensed it right there and then. finally when we got home, on fb chat he said the words i had written above.

he is not happy anymore. after 100 days. funny. i said i was ok. everything is fine. i became strong with time and with mistakes and the experience. it made me not feel any pain at all. or.... pretend not to.. i hate people, or my friends telling me the words "i told you so" and "haven't you learned anything?" coz honestly, it always happens. again and again. and honestly, im already ashamed for no learning and making the same mistakes over and over. so i pretend...

tossed and turned.
got up.
brushed teeth.
blogged.

a blessing in disguise?

as of the past 2 weeks, a friend's life turned up side down. cliche. but true. a close friend as i might say. i cannot even begin to describe the impact to me. as i opened my fone one Saturday afternoon after i got home from school, a text from her startled me as i began to cry. a kind of in shock cry i should say... because literally i was in deep deep shock. i never noticed it before coz almost every week we do hang out, we even had drinks the week before so it was possibly untrue.. to me. until i went to the hospital with my friends and found her sitting on the bed of the ob-gyne ward. my very best friend is pregnant of 6 months. :(

as i would recall how i felt after i read her text, all our "dreams" came flashing through. we'll put up a business together, we'll go to hongkong for a vaca, go to parties and get wasted, and even each other's made of honor. she is only 22, a graduate of a 4 year engineering course and with a good paying job. i know she is not ready for a baby. she even gave me her dog coz she couldn't take care of her!! and what really kills me above all this, she and her bf had broken up 2 months ago and the guy had already found somebody else.

i am really excited for our little one, but at first i was really devastated. a child can make a big change to someone's future and priorities. and i know she has a lot on her mind right now. one thing is for sure, i know somehow she'll figure it all out and we are all here to support her in every way. :))

boo hoo..

almost 12am. stuck on movies here coz the net connection is awful. ive decided to watch the hang over. oops! its the 1st part! oh i know i know its been 2 years since its release. haha i just don't like to watch "guy movies". pero im curious now so.. well, nasa part nako were they drove all the way to Vegas to spend the night. bachelor party baby! (what really goes around those parties kaya, lalo na in Vegas?).. they've checked in on the Cesar's palace (i would rather go to the venecia. if given the chance!) and this bearded guy asks if its really Cesar's palace? if Cesar really lived there is what he meant!!! haha laugh trip! teka ill continue this after ive finished the flick......... how about waking up with the baddest hang over and a tiger in the toilet! hahaha ........ DONE! sobrang laugh trip nga! haha i love stu!!! :D im definitely going to see part 2! :)