what do i really want?

i personally think that every person has the right to make decisions. decisions that can either break them, and learn from it, eventually.

so far, ive made decisions i regret and if given the chance to go back, i'd change them in a snap. but there's no such thing as going back, so i have to suck it up. ive been writing about heart matters for the past few weeks and still the matter is unresolved. i couldnt figure out what i want. i mean, i think maybe we dont suppose to figure it all out? i think we should just let everything take its own course and just go with it. its been a hell of a week for me, i think im hurting someone and it kills me. i dont want anyone being hurt 'coz i know for a fact how it feels. but, i wanna be fair to him and to myself. i want to be honest about my feelings towards the situation. the truth is, i want to be alone. i dont know until when, all i know is that i wanted to be alone for the mean time. i want to have time for myself, and not think of anybody's need other than my own. im on the verge of growing up and stretching my horizon where i want to experience everything on my own. i dont want to answer or to explain to anyone my whereabouts, it bugs me. or so it seems. after i ended everything between us, i still miss him. i messaged him on facebook, saying i miss him and im just fighting the urge to reconcile. that message led to him coming over and misunderstood thinking i want to totally reconcile. i dont want to be with anybody and yet i miss him. ang gulo. i mean, i wanna be with him and yet i dont. grr. everyday i wake up and get on with my day and i feel like im carrying this huge guilt. and if i exhale, tears will emerge. i dont wanna cry. ive done that a lot for my 21 years, and im sick of crying all the time. i want to be brave. im just worried he'll hate me for what ive done and never forgive me, he was first, a good friend. im gonna loose a good friend if that'll happen.